I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
