god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
