Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We have started to decorate penises.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
