He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
being pregnant is like rehab
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
