i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
