I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
