Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
