on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
