chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
