So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize