He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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