I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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