I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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