Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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