Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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