I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
