Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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