haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
