I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
