Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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