Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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