I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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