So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
