I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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