I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
