How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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