I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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