In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
