a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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