they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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