I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm too high and old for this...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
