why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
