so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
