Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
