Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
