It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize