I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
