Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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