Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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