last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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