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I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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