i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
