Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
