This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
