Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
