Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
