Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
