Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
