The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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