she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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