A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
