The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
