I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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