No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
