dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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