this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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