I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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