Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
