Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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